Gambling Garages Gardening Gas Generosity Genius Geography Germany Germs Gifts Girls God Golf Gossip Government Ownership Gratitude Guarantees
GAMBLING
"Look, mother," said Bobbie, exhibiting a handful of marbles, "I won all those from Willie Smith."
"Why, Bobbie!" exclaimed his mother; "don't you know it's wicked to play marbles for 'keeps'? Go right over to his house and give back every one."
"Yes, mother," said the boy obediently; "and shall I take that vase you won at Mrs. Jones' whist party, and give it back to her?"
"It's just as wrong to gamble when you win as when you lose."
"Yassuh," asserted Mr. Erastus Pinkley. "De immorality is jes' as great, but de inconvenience ain't."
PROFESSOR--"Now I put the number seven on the board. What number immediately comes into your mind?"
CLASS (in unison)--"Eleven!"--_Burr_.
SAM--"Ah done heard dat dey fine' Columbus's bones."
EZRA--"Lawd! Ah never knew dat he wuz a gamblin' man."
GARAGES
"What do they sell in that last garage besides gasoline, father?"
"'Besides,' my son? You mean 'instead of.'"--_Life_.
GARDENING
"I suppose you are going to raise potatoes in your garden?"
"I was, but when I read the directions for planting I found that it would be impossible. They should be planted in hills, and my yard is perfectly level."
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE--"If you want a garden this year you had better hire somebody to make it. I'm not going to try it again. I've figured it out; and if I would spend on my business the time I put in on that garden I would make enough money to keep us in vegetables for fifty years. I am off it for life."
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS NEIGHBOR--"I don't think I'll bother with a garden this year. It doesn't pay; I may do a little; but the digging and the labor--I'm off that for life."
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER--"Well, how's the garden coming along? I'm not doing much with mine this year. What? How high did you say? Already? What seed did you use?"
WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE GOT HOME AN HOUR EARLY THAT DAY--"Call me when dinner's ready. I've got to get the garden started today or I'll never raise a thing."
GAS
DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER--"Do you mean to say that this meter measures the amount of gas we burn?"
GAS COLLECTOR--"I will enter into no controversy, sir; but I may say that the meter measures the amount of gas you will have to pay for."
GENEROSITY
SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER--"Now, Jimmy, I want you to memorize today's motto, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"
JIMMY--"Yes'm, but I know it now. My father says he has always used that as his motto in his business."
TEACHER--"Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?"
JIMMY--"He's a prize-fighter, ma'am."--_Life_.
Let us proportion our alms to our ability, lest we provoke God to proportion His blessings to our alms.--_Beveridge_.
In this world, it is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich.--_Beecher_.
GENIUS
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between genius and talent?"
PAW--"Talent gets paid every Saturday, my son."
Time, place, and action, may with pains be wrought, But genius must be born, and never can be taught.
--_Dryden_.
Who in the same given time can produce more than many others, has vigor; who can produce more and better, has talents; who can produce what none else can, has genius.--_Lavater_.
And genius hath electric power, Which earth can never tame; Bright suns may scorch, and dark clouds lower-- Its flash is still the same.
--_Lydia M. Child_.
Taste consists in the power of judging; genius in the power of executing.--_Blair_.
GEOGRAPHY
Edgar, aged five, was driving from the station on his first visit to Maine. His mother, noticing a troubled look on his face as he looked about, said:
"What's the matter, dear? Don't you like the beautiful country?"
"Yes, mother, but on _my_ map Maine is _red_!"
FATHER--"Now James, get ready. I'm going to hear your geography lesson. What have the various expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?"
JIMMY--"Nothin' 'cept to make the geography lessons harder."
The geography lesson was about to begin, and the subject of it was France.
Accordingly, the teacher started off with the question: "Now in this present terrible war, who is our principal ally?"
"France," came the answer from a chorus of voices.
"Quite right," said the teacher, beaming. "Now can any of you give me the name of a town in France?"
A small boy at the back of the class almost fell over in his eagerness to tell; "Somewhere," he said, breathlessly.
GERMANY
"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."
The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board.
"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd grow his own garden-stuff. This young man had been digging for about an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.
"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at his feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."
GERMS
"You don't seem to pay any attention to these germs."
"I don't talk about 'em any more than is necessary," answered Doc Braney. "I take all possible precautions and then try to ignore 'em. The meanest thing about a germ is that if he can't attack you anywhere else, he tries to get on your mind."
Daddy was confined to the house with Spanish influenza, and mother was busy sterilizing the dishes which had come from the sick-room.
"Why do you do that?" asked four-year-old Donald.
"Because, dear, poor daddy has germs, and the germs get on the dishes, so then I boil them, and that kills all the horrid germs."
Donald turned this over in his little mind for several minutes. Then:
"Mother, why don't you boil daddy?"
"She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilizes or filters everything in the house."
"How does she get along with her family?"
"Oh, even her relations are strained."
Mrs. Robinson was an extremely careful mother and had repeatedly cautioned her six-year-old daughter against handling any object that might contain germs. One day the little girl came in and said:
"Mother, I am never going to play with my puppy any more, because he has germs on him."
"Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy."
"Yes, there are," insisted the child. "I saw one hop."--_Life_.
GIFTS
When the captain of the fire department was about to resign, his men banded together and purchased an elaborate, embossed silver horn to present to him at a meeting in the town hall. The fireman who was chosen to make the presentation practiced his speech for days beforehand. The chief, who had been informed of what was to happen, also practiced his speech of acceptance. They rehearsed together and were "letter perfect" when they mounted the platform in the town hall. The throng which confronted them had, however, a disastrous effect. Holding the horn at arm's length, the fireman stalked across the platform and with a ghastly expression on his face, said:
"Well, Bill, here's your horn!"
The chief rose slowly to his feet and gasped: "Hell! Is that it?"
Not what we give, but what we share, For the gift without the giver is bare.
--_Lowell_.
He gives twice who gives quickly.--_Syrus_.
A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous gift of socks, entered them at once, for he was about to undertake a heavy march. He was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and when, a mere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the end of a terrible day, he discovered inside the toe of the sock what had once been a piece of stiff writing-paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold, feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: "God bless the wearer of this pair of socks!"--_Punch_.
We like the gift when we the giver prize.--_Sheffield_.