"If" Ignorance Illusions And Hallucinations Imitation Immigrants Impudence Income Tax Industry Infants Influenza Inheritance Initiative Insomnia Instalment Plan Insurance, Fire Insurance, Life Interviews Investments Ireland Irish Bulls Irishmen
"IF"
_See_ Fords.
IGNORANCE
A professor noted among his students for the caustic wit had in one of his classes, one year, a young man who was both ignorant and conceited. One morning he made a specially self-satisfied display of both these characteristics, and the professor said he would like to see him at the end of the hour.
When he came up after the lecture, the professor asked: "You are Mr. Junkins?"
"Yes, sir."
"Have you a visiting card?"
"I--I--yes, sir," stammered the puzzled student.
"Then, Mr. Junkins," the professor said dryly, "write down on your visiting card all that you know, and bring it to me tomorrow."
ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
Returning home from a scientific meeting one night, a college professor, who was noted for his concentration of thought, was still pondering deeply on the subject that had been under discussion. Upon entering his room he heard a noise that appeared to come from under the bed.
"Is there any one there?" he asked, absently.
"No, professor," answered the intruder, knowing his peculiarities.
"That's strange," murmured the professor. "I was almost sure I heard some one under the bed."
IMITATION
Imitation is a confession of limitation.
Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.--_Colton_.
IMMIGRANTS
_See_ Board of health.
IMPUDENCE
_Put in the Bill_
When in Canada last, Mr. Kipling was so dissatisfied with the hotel accommodations that he gave the landlord a severe call-down. Said he: "Of all the hotels under the shining sun, I have never been in one that for unmitigated, all-round, unendurable discomfort could equal yours."
After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, Kipling asked for his bill, and he discovered that the last item was, "To impudence--three dollars."
He that has but impudence, To all things has a fair pretence; And puts among his wants but shame, To all the world may lay his claim.
--_Butler_.
There is no better provision for life than impudence and a brazen face.--_Menander_.
INCOME TAX
We saw Diogenes the other day with his lantern.
"Still looking for an honest man?" we asked.
He shook his head mournfully.
"No. I gave that up long ago. I wish I'd stuck to it. It wasn't half so hopeless as what I'm doing now."
He certainly did look despondent, and our hearts went out to him.
"What are you looking for now, then?" we asked.
He sighed. "I'm looking for a congressman who made out his income tax without anybody's help."
We don't know who it was who wrote the income-tax blank, but we are certain that he stole his style either from Robert Browning or Henry James.
_Income Tax Tips_
(_All replies to questions in this column given free of tax._)
PUZZLED--Don't be bluffed. Simply put all extra leaves in dining-room table, grasp tax return firmly with both hands, and throw it flat on its back. When you have it down brand it on first page with hot ink.
C.H.--Yes, algebra may be used in figuring your return. Personally we employ trigonometry, altho many prefer calculus and a couple of lawyers.
TAXPAYER--Your problem is as clear as a Chinese laundryticket. Simply deduct the net profit of losses (plus inventories at end of year) and add income from salaries, wages, bonuses, director's fees, and pensions. Nothing to it!
J.J.C.--Refer to Table 113 on Page 11, Section 28, Part IV of return. Then if Item 86, Schedule V, line 7, exceeds the sum stated in Item 21, Page 9, Schedule Z, get another blank form.
CONFUSED--No, you should have figured the amounts in Items 34, 60, and 69 as net losses from Wear and Tear, Obsolescense and Depletion Charged Off (see K (2) on Page 8 of Instructions) before entering total in Item 94, Schedule O. It's perfectly simple.
L.F.--Don't worry about your next year's tax. You may not have any income.
_See also_ Profiteers.
INDUSTRY
Andrew Carnegie was once asked which he considered to be the most important factor in industry--labor, capital, or brains? The canny Scot replied with a merry twinkle in his eye, "Which is the most important leg of a three-legged stool?"
Industry is not only the instrument of improvement, but the foundation of pleasure. He who is a stranger to it may possess, but cannot enjoy; for it is labor only which gives relish to pleasure. It is the appointed vehicle of every good to man. It is the indispensable condition of possessing a sound mind in a sound body.--_Blair_.
Protected industry, careering far, Detects the cause and cures the rage of war, And sweeps, with forceful arm; to their last graves, Kings from the earth and pirates from the waves.
--_Joel Barlow_.
In every rank, or great or small, 'Tis industry supports us all.
--_Gay_.
The great end of all human industry is the attainment of happiness.--_Hume_.
"From what you tell me, Sam, you have been a busy man all your life."
"Yes, sah; yes, sah."
"You've done a great deal in your time and day, Sam, I guess."
"Yes, sah. Dat is, I's done a good lot in mah day, but it was in de boss's time, sah."
INFANTS
A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank-roll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.
A small boy was taken to see the new baby, whom he eyed very critically. "Why, he's got no hair, father," was his first remark. The fact was admitted. "And he's got no teeth, father," was the next comment. The circumstances could not be denied. "I tell you what, father," was the final observation, "you've been swindled; he's an old one."
THE VISITOR--"Does your new baby brother cry much, Ethel?"
LITTLE ETHEL--"He cries when you stick pins in him or make faces at him or bounce him up and down. But what can you expect? He's too little to swear."
Maggie had a new baby brother, which everybody agreed was such a baby as had never been seen before. One day the baby was being weighed, and Maggie asked what that was for.
"Oh," said her father, "Uncle George has taken a great fancy to baby, and he's offered to buy him for a shilling an ounce."
Maggie looked startled. "You're not going to sell him, are you, daddy?"
"Of course not, precious," answered daddy, proud to see his little girl loved her brother so.
"No. Keep him till he gets a bit bigger," the child went on; "he'll fetch more money then."
INFLUENZA
A hospital doctor writes in the Ontario Post that one of his patients had had the flu. He was seen walking around wearily. When he was asked what was wrong, he said: "Ah done had de Spanish flu." "That so?" he was asked; "what is the Spanish flu like, Sam?" "The flu?" said Sam; "don't you all know what de flu is? Why, it's a disease dat makes you sick six months after you gets well."
"Were you very sick with the 'flu,' Rastus?"
"Sick, sick! Man, Ah was so sick mos' ebery night Ah look in dat er casualty list for mah name."