Obedience Obesity Obituaries Occupations Ocean Travel Office Boys Office-Seekers Officers Old Age Old Clothes Opportunity Optimism Originality Ostrich Ouija Board
OBEDIENCE
A certain woman demands instant and unquestioning obedience from her children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her little son John to close the trap leading to the flat roof of the house.
"But mother," began John.
"John, I told you to shut the trap."
"Yes, but mother--"
"John, shut that trap."
"All right, mother, if you say so--but--"
"John!"
Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trap. Two hours later the family gathered for dinner, but Aunt Mary, who was staying with the mother, did not appear. The mother, quite anxious, exclaimed, "Where can Aunt Mary be?"
"I know," John answered triumphantly, "she is on the roof."
OBESITY
_See_ Corpulence.
OBITUARIES
Upon the recent death in a Western town of a politician, who, at one time, served his country in a very high legislative place, a number of newspaper men were collaborating on an obituary notice.
"What shall we say of the former Senator?" asked one of the men.
"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust."
"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the name of the trust?"--_Puck_.
_See also_ Epitaphs.
OCCUPATIONS
PAPA--"But hasn't your fiance got a job?"
DAUGHTER--"Not yet, but he's going to get one at $25,000 a year."
PAPA--"Indeed! Glad to hear of it! What is he doing?"
DAUGHTER--"Well, he read in the paper of some man who is paid $50,000 a year by the Bankers' Association not to forge checks, and George is going to do it for half that."
THE COP--"The driver of a hearse asked me just now which was the way to the cemetery, and I told him."
THE CAPTAIN--"Don't do it again. You're being paid as a policeman, not as a funeral director."
"What are you going to make of your son Charley?" I asked.
"Well," replied Charley's father, "I made a doctor of Bob, a lawyer of Ralph, and a minister of Bert; and Joe is a literary man. I think I'll make a laboring man of Charley. I want one of them to have a little money."--_Life_.
_The Other Fellow's Job_
I seldom quarrel with the universe; Things could be better, could be better far. But, on the other hand, they could be worse-- And so I rather leave them as they are.
But one thing though, could easily be done: If Bill could only make a trade with Bob The world would be so glad--if everyone Could only have the other fellow's job!
The other fellow surely has a snap! If at a desk he works, he needn't roam, He needn't wander up and down the map-- He knows the joy and comfort of a home.
Or if the other fellow something sells Upon the road, a lucky man is he-- To see the country, live at good hotels, And have a job with some variety.
The other fellow!--luckiest of men!-- Here's where creation surely made a slip: The fellow on the road should push a pen, The fellow at a desk should tote a grip.
We never shall be happy, truly glad, We never shall be really comforted, Until we trade the job we've always had And get the other fellow's job instead.
I see no other way to do--unless We might do this: Forget a little while The easy jobs that other men possess, Get busy with your own, and with a smile.
For after all, they're not so different: Each has its time of laughter and of sob, But each the joy of service. Be content-- Your job's as good as any fellow's job.
MISTRESS (to butler)--"Why is it, John, every time I come home I find you sleeping?"
"Well, ma'am, it's this way: I don't like to be a-doing _nothing_."
LAZY MIKE--"I have a new position with the railroad company."
WEARY RHODES--"What ja gona do?"
LAZY MIKE--"You know the fellow that goes alongside the train and taps the axles to see if everything's all right? Well, I help him listen."
OCEAN TRAVEL
"Terribly rough, isn't it?" said the stranger on the ocean liner.
"Wal," replied the man from the farm, "'twouldn't be so rough if the cap'n would only keep in the furrows!"
The storm was increasing in violence and some of the deck fittings had already been swept overboard when the captain decided to send up a signal of distress. But hardly had the rocket burst over the ship when a solemn-faced passenger stepped on to the bridge. "Captain," he said, "I'd be the last man on earth to cast a damper on any man, but it seems to me that this is no time for letting off fireworks."
PASSENGER (after first night on board ship)--"I say, where have all my clothes vanished to?"
STEWARD--"Where did you put them last night?"
PASSENGER--"I folded them up carefully and put them in that cupboard over there."
STEWARD--"I see no cupboard, sir."
PASSENGER--"Are you blind, man? I mean that one with the round glass door to it."
STEWARD--"Lor' bless me, sir; that ain't no cupboard. That's the porthole."
OFFICE BOYS
Boss--"Can't you find something to do?"
OFFICE BOY--"Gee whiz: Am I expected to do the work and find it, too?"
A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between Tommy and another office boy on the same floor, which he recently overheard.
"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.
"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.
"Aw, g'wan!"
"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash an' de rest in legal advice."
"I can't keep the visitors from coming up," said the office boy, dejectedly, to the president. "When I say you're out they simply say they must see you."
"Well," said the president, "just tell them that's what they all say."
That afternoon there called at the office a young lady. The boy assured her it was impossible to see the president.
"But I'm his wife," said the lady.
"Oh, that's what they all say," said the boy.
Into the office of a business man rushed a bright faced lad. For three minutes he waited and then began, to show signs of impatience.
"Excuse me, sir," he said at length, "I'm in a hurry."
"Well, what do you want?" asked the business man.
"A job!"
"But why the hurry?"
"Got to hurry," replied the lad briefly. "Left school yesterday, and haven't struck anything suitable yet. The only place where I can stay long is where they pay me for it."
"How much do you want?"
"Fifteen dollars a week for a start."
"And when can you come?"
"Don't need to come; I'm here. I could have been at work five minutes ago if you'd only said so."
BOSS (to new boy)--"You're the slowest youngster we've ever had. Aren't you quick at anything?"
BOY--"Yes, sir; nobody can get tired as quickly as I can."
A small boy went into a business office that displayed a sign, "Boy Wanted."
"What kind of a boy does youse want?" he asked of the manager.
"Why, a decent boy," said the manager. "One who is quick, doesn't swear, smoke cigarettes, whistle round the office, shoot craps--"
"Aw, gee, boss," interrupted the boy, "youse don't want a boy; youse wants a girl."
"How does your boy Josh like his job in the city?"
"First-rate," replied the father. "He knows more about the business than the man that owns it."
"Who told you that?"
"Josh did. All he's got to do now is to convince the boss of it, an' git promoted."
"Why, look here," said the merchant who was in need of a boy, "aren't you the same boy who was in here a week ago?"
"Yes, sir," said the applicant.
"I thought so. And didn't I tell you then that I wanted an older boy?"