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SACRIFICES
"George, where are your school-books?"
"When notices appeared that books were wanted for the wounded, I gave mine to them."
"But, my dear," said his wife, after he had complained about the food the new cook had brought in. "You know during these terrible times it is absolutely necessary that we make great sacrifices."
"Oh, of course, but what I object to is that cook's making hers in the form of a burnt offering."
SAFETY
Throughout the trial the Englishman, whose crimes had been many and black, bore himself with an air of complete indifference and received the sentence of the supreme penalty with a bored yawn. After he had been led on to the scaffold and just as the hood and noose were about to be placed over his head, the attendant priest, still persisting in his attempts to awaken penitence, in spite of the doomed man's deafness to his prayers, asked him again for a final statement.
The prisoner's gaze wandered to the noose and rested there meditatively. Suddenly he turned to the priest:
"See here, old chap," he demanded, "is this thing perfectly safe?"
Mark Twain once sat in the smoking room of a steamer and listened for an hour to some remarkable stories. Then he drawled, "Boys, these feats of yours that you've been telling about recall an adventure of my own in Hannibal. There was a fire in Hannibal one night, and Old Man Hankinson got caught in the fourth story of the burning house. It looked as if he was a goner. None of the ladders was long enough to reach him. The crowd stared at one another with awed eyes. Nobody could think of anything to do.
"Then all of a sudden, boys, an idea occurred to me. 'Fetch a rope!' I yelled.
"Somebody fetched a rope, and with great presence of mind I flung the end of it up to the old man. 'Tie her round your waist!' I yelled. Old Man Hankinson did so, and I pulled him down."
OLD LADY (to motorman on her first drive on an electric car)--"Would it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?"
MOTORMAN (an Edison man)--"No, mum, not unless you was to put the other one on the overhead wire."
SALARIES
"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
"Well," said the manager after a moment's thought, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week?"
"All right."
"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it--you will get $500."
Salary--something paid to you for what you do.
Income--something paid to you for what your father did.
"How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?"
"He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger from monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature isn't so bad, after all."