Wages War Wealth Weather Weddings Welsh Westminster Abbey Whisky Widows Windows Wisdom Wishes Witnesses Wives Woman Woman Suffrage Woman's Rights Work Worry
WAGES
The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon," Are very few, it seems to me; I count you over, every dime apart, MY SALARY. My salary!
Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk." To earn them is an awful grind; I count each dime unto the end, and there-- A "dun" I find.
Oh toil, that is so poorly paid! Oh salary, spent before we greet! I kiss each dime, and try to find a way To make ends meet-- Ye gods! To make ends meet!
--_Anne Alfreda Mellish_.
Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 cents." Some one remarks that this proportion of payment is quite often the case.
A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other morning, discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home and, as he needed one urgently, he asked the different clerks, but none of them happened to have one. Finally the errand boy hustled in and the merchant called him, asking if he was able to produce the desired article. Jimmy handed over his "pigsticker."
"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff seem to have a pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, eyeing Jimmy with undisguised admiration.
"Dunno, sir," replied the youth, "unless it's because my wages are so low that I can't afford more'n one pair of pants."
FIRST LABORING MAN--"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
SECOND DITTO--"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."_--Punch_.
The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarer paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up.
"Money,"' he replied.
"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?"
"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations.
WAR
Some nations were fighting fiercely.
"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at length to curiosity.
"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally.
Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of the combatants and limped lamely away.
"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition to get to the bottom of the matter.
"Don't speak to me--I'm civilization!" the figure made answer, somewhat pettishly.
"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?"
"Well, all I can say is--them what finds it is quite welcome to keep it."
If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter plan.
The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused for denying that it is round.
VISITOR--"It's a terrible war, this, young man--a terrible war."
MIKE (badly wounded)--"'Tis that, sor--a tirrible warr. But 'tis better than no warr at all."_--Punch_.
_See also_ European War.
WEALTH
BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich."
JONES--"How so?"
BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the water."
WEATHER
A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weather today out there?"
"The sun is shining," the Salina man wired.
An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Did you say sun was or was not shining?"
And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing to beat the band now."
And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?"
To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all the snow away again."
_Indian Summer_
November days are here again With chilly eve and morn-- Dame Nature's voice in warning raised That Winter's blasts are born.
But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads And Earth to sleep beguiles, Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face, Looks back at us and smiles.
One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was pushing a barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then, shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus:
"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"
"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"
"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'."
What is it moulds the life of man? The Weather! What makes some black and others tan? The Weather! What makes the Zulu live in trees, And Congo natives dress in leaves, While others go in fur and freeze? The Weather!
What makes the summer warm and fair? The Weather! What causes winter underwear? The Weather! What makes us rush and build a fire, And shiver near the glowing pyre-- And then on other days perspire? The Weather!
What makes the Cost of Living high? The Weather! What makes the Libyan Desert dry? The Weather! What is it men in ev'ry clime, Will talk about till end of time? What drove our honest pen to rhyme? The Weather!
Kansas--When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow for three days.
I remember, I remember, Ere my childhood flitted by, It was cold then in December, And was warmer in July. In the winter there were freezings-- In the summer there were thaws; But the weather isn't now at all Like what it used to was!
WEDDINGS
Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between stations.
"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking individual of the conductor.
"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the track is clear!"
"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned the passenger.
The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.
"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled the cord?"
Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a vacation.
"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke."
"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda like to be there."
WELSH
Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.
A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number of coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up his contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with the remark, "That's easier."
A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.
The undertaker was a Welshman.
WESTMINSTER ABBEY
It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."